I remember, very vividly, a time in my life where I wasn’t sure I could be any happier. I had a lot going for me: I was homeschooling myself, I was an accomplished equestrian at a great university, and a boyfriend with whom I was pretty darn happy. Could life get much better for an 18 year old? I could go out with friends and live a very care free life. I was having fun. Everything I did made me happy. It was like I sparkled.
Then I got pregnant.
I’m not saying having a baby ruined me…but I am. It was more of a situational thing versus the beautiful child, himself.
I’m not the same person anymore, at least, I don’t feel like I am. Nothing is about me, everything is about him. I don’t get to go out every weekend, if I get to go out at all. I don’t get to wake up at the crack of dawn to ride my horse, just the two of us. My life has flipped upside down. I go to school, but I’m lucky if I finish my work. I feel like someone came with a dust-buster and vacuumed up the glitter in my life. It’s like I woke up one day and POOF, sparkly feeling gone.
I don’t think that having a baby should slow me down. If anything it should make me work harder to get where I want to be. I’m not giving up on my dreams, but when your baby daddy leaves you and your son to pursue a career in the Air Force so he can “provide” for you (claiming not being there for his son and maybe not having a relationship with said child is “worth the risk”), you get a little bitter and a little more angry each day. Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball on the couch and veg out. Sometimes I just was to yell at him some more about “what the H were you thinking?“.
I’m trying to let go. I can pretend everyday that it doesn’t bother me, but everyday the fact that he is being held as a hero in certain people’s eyes when he has done something far from heroic really gets me to the bone. It’s eating me alive that no one seems to care about the effect this has on me.
I hate that this situation has made me a bitter person. I used to be really sassy and fun and I loved it. Now, I’m just a…well. We wont use the “B” word here.
So how exactly does one let go? Is that possible? Do I have to sit around and listen to the crap about how BD is going to do “the right thing?” I don’t think I should, and the more I worry about this situation and hide my sparkle the more bitter I will become. I fear I’m headed to a place where bitterness is very hard to get away from.
I feel the need to cut some people out of my life. They only add to the stress of being a single mom and full-time student. Lord, give me the strength to follow through. Maybe, just maybe, without these people I can finally find my sparkle again.