I’m in surgery now, so this is to keep you occupied while I’m gone. But I’ll be back. Soon. And if you think I can tell it like it is now, wait ’til I’m on pain meds…
Just like there are people who seem to want to be UNFOLLOWED on twitter, there are tons of you who don’t seem to want people to visit your blog.
You work so hard on it, why would you shun visitors who want to read? Oh well, here goes, I’m only here to help. You are welcome in advance…
- Make sure your content column is narrow but those sidebars are filled with buttons, badges, and affiliate links down to China. What’s wrong with a distraction or 50? After all your blog is all about THEM, not YOU. Especially keep the ones on there that earn you $.05 every two years. In 20 years you will have paid for that Venti Skim Mocha you just bought.
- Oh and those buttons? Make sure they don’t fit into the sidebar. Please! Make them stick way out to keep the lopsided effect. And don’t remove them once the campaign ends. It’s like Christmas year round!
- Only post about once a month. In fact take a month off. Then whine because you don’t get the Dyson to review. It’s about QUALITY OVER QUANTITY right? And that post you wrote 6 months ago was a zinger!
- Create a site that people have to wear sun glasses to view. This is a great example to emulate but (warning) before you click put on the last suit you’ll ever wear and grab MIB glasses and the flashy thing. You won’t want to remember this. I know similar mom blogs have triggered a migraine and I’ve had to leave the site. #WIN!!! Neon pink and glitter rainbows!! In fact sites with the most colorful action in the header and (Squee!) psychedelic backgrounds make the best sites for making me click the X before I even get the site to load.
Which brings me to the next point:
- Make sure your site takes at least 10 seconds to load. I have all day. If you have decorated the sidebars with buttons to China then it’s probably not loading anytime soon. I can pull up your site and then go take a shower, walk the dog, bake a lasagna, run the PTA meeting including Q&A and come back…and it might be ready to read by then.
- Black background with white writing. NO WORDS…. but if I had words, I’d tell you that it’s so hard on the eyes, in fact worse than the neon pink and sparkly rainbows.
- Break up your posts with google ads. LOTS of them. In fact put enough at the top, middle and bottom of the post that I have no idea where the REAL writing is.
- Re-print those PR press releases verbatim on your site. I love
readingignoring them the first time they hit my inbox and reading them one more time (maybe even with HI-RES IMAGES ) …I just can’t get away fast enough.
- Your run on sentences make me twitchy, even though it’s good content and something everyone should read, though you might just wear people out because you go on and on, but hey it’s your blog and you can write however you want, unless you want to keep people away, and then you are doing a good job, and now I need some Advil because my fingers hurt from typing which happens often.
- Add a bunch of :) faces or :( faces if you have smilies enabled. In fact use them in every sentence :o ! I :) when I see a bunch :P blinging in my face.
Any other thoughts? I know you have as many opinions as I do! Next week how to tick everyone on the road off when you are driving! I’m on a roll!!