I remember, very vividly, a time in my life where I wasn’t sure I could be any happier. I had a lot going for me: I was homeschooling myself, I was an accomplished equestrian  at a great university, and a boyfriend with whom I was pretty darn happy. Could life get much better for an 18 year old? I could go out with friends and live a very care free life. I was having fun. Everything I did made me happy. It was like I sparkled.

Then I got pregnant.

I’m not saying having a baby ruined me…but I am. It was more of a situational thing versus the beautiful child, himself.

I’m not the same person anymore, at least, I don’t feel like I am. Nothing is about me, everything is about him. I don’t get to go out every weekend, if I get to go out at all. I don’t get to wake up at the crack of dawn to ride my horse, just the two of us. My life has flipped upside down. I go to school, but I’m lucky if I finish my work. I feel like someone came with a dust-buster and vacuumed up the glitter in my life. It’s like I woke up one day and POOF, sparkly feeling gone.

I don’t think that having a baby should slow me down. If anything it should make me work harder to get where I want to be. I’m not giving up on my dreams, but when your baby daddy leaves you and your son to pursue a career in the Air Force so he can “provide” for you (claiming not being there for his son and maybe not having a relationship with said child is “worth the risk”), you get a little bitter and a little more angry each day. Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball on the couch and veg out. Sometimes I just was to yell at him some more about “what the H were you thinking?“.

I’m trying to let go. I can pretend everyday that it doesn’t bother me, but everyday the fact that he is being held as a hero in certain people’s eyes when he has done something far from heroic really gets me to the bone. It’s eating me alive that no one seems to care about the effect this has on me.

I hate that this situation has made me a bitter person. I used to be really sassy and fun and I loved it. Now, I’m just a…well. We wont use the “B” word here.

So how exactly does one let go? Is that possible? Do I have to sit around and listen to the crap about how BD is going to do “the right thing?” I don’t think I should, and the more I worry about this situation and hide my sparkle the more bitter I will become. I fear I’m headed to a place where bitterness is very hard to get away from.

I feel the need to cut some people out of my life. They only add to the stress of being a single mom and full-time student. Lord, give me the strength to follow through. Maybe, just maybe, without these people I can finally find my sparkle again.

 

10 Comments on Where Did All The Sparkle Go?

  1. Anne (@notasupermom)
    April 9, 2013 at 8:47 pm (4 years ago)

    I had my first at 21. I was in a bad marriage, trying to make it work. It broke me a little, but I see now it was a powerful formative time for me. You can regret the circumstances without regretting your boy, but 21 years later for me and I don’t regret anything.

    You are going to be so great. I think you still sparkle.

    Reply
    • Maggie
      April 9, 2013 at 9:27 pm (4 years ago)

      I do regret the situation, but mostly I fear for the Little B and how he will have to deal with this later on. I suppose I need to just keep calm and sparkle on!

      Reply
  2. Sharon
    April 6, 2013 at 11:50 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh Maggie. Having a newborn is brutal and on top of that, you are dealing with being a single Mom. I’m so sorry. I believe things will get better for you. And soon. Praying for you!

    Reply
    • Maggie
      April 9, 2013 at 9:25 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you, Sharon. It is rough. I’m just taking it day by day :)

      Reply
  3. Christine
    April 6, 2013 at 6:01 pm (4 years ago)

    ‘Do I have to sit around and listen to the crap about how BD is going to do “the right thing?”’ NO. NO YOU DO NOT. When you hear it, say, “I’ll believe it when I see it, because so far all he’s done is abdicate his responsibilities as a man and father.”

    Your sparkle is still there. It’s just repelled by negativity, like an anti-magnet. The negativity of the people whom you need to cut out of your life, and the negative feelings you’re harboring when you try to pretend it doesn’t bother you.

    Do what you have to do to release those feelings. My suggestions (not that you asked, hope it’s okay to offer): Put you and your son’s best interests FIRST. Be honest with yourself and those around you. Move forward knowing YOU are living with integrity and sincerity.

    One day you’ll realize that you’re leaving a trail of sparkles behind you. Then you’ll be able to stop, scoop them up, throw them in the air and twirl with them raining down on you once again.

    And you’ll be happier than you’ve ever been.

    Reply
    • Maggie
      April 9, 2013 at 9:25 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you so much, Christine. It’s funny, we sit here and say the same thing about what he’s doing, just not to their faces.
      I can’t wait to twirl in the sparkles. That just sounds like pure figurative fun, but a mess to clean up!

      Reply
  4. Cousin Cindy
    April 6, 2013 at 5:25 pm (4 years ago)

    Sparkle is on the inside, sweetie. It may be hard to see, but no one can ever take it away from you. Do what you need to do and you’ll feel it again. Love you.

    Reply
    • Maggie
      April 9, 2013 at 9:21 pm (4 years ago)

      Oh, Cindy. You know just what to say. Thank you so much for this.

      Reply
  5. Kat
    April 6, 2013 at 4:48 pm (4 years ago)

    You will always be full of sparkle to me and I am willing to send some in the mail if needed! You are a strong, gorgeous and amazing woman. Don’t loose sight of that! xoxo

    Reply
    • Maggie
      April 9, 2013 at 9:15 pm (4 years ago)

      The Sellers Fam is always accepting more sparkle! But, thank you. It means so much, you don’t even know!

      Reply

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