It is days like these, that I struggle with the fact that I breastfeed my son. It is selfish reasons, like my inability to eat chocolate or a delicious eggs benedict that make me want to invest in formula and make the switch. Breast is best, I know. However, its days like these where I want to eat everything in my path, regardless of how bad it is for me or baby.
I love my baby and I only want what is best for him. I love how he will look at me when he’s nursing, giggle, and then continue eating. It warms my heart. I don’t, however, love how when he has a growth spurt I am directly affected by it.
It took 8 weeks for him to sleep through the night. Not too bad, all things considered. This moment of joy lasted about a month. I imagine that’s what ecstasy feels like. He would go to bed from 9:30 pm and wake up at 6 or 7 am. He now sleeps for 4 hours at a time.
I know as mothers we make sacrifices. We sacrifice our bodies to make a beautiful baby, and we sacrifice our sanity along with it making sure we are eating healthy not consuming BPA, pesticides, or too much tuna fish. I sacrificed meals in my pregnancy, and many foods I loved because I was throwing up everyday and everything made me nauseous. I thought I was past the body sacrifices. I just want to be able to eat cheese and chocolate, people. One of the plus sides to nursing is I don’t necessarily get a period, but nursing makes up for it in the fact that you starve and can’t seem to eat enough whenever your baby hits a growth spurt. I get cravings, and recently I’ve come to believe I am anemic, which means bring on steaks and burgers. I can’t help but feel like my body is lacking no matter what I do. No amount of water, meat, or crackers satisfies me, and I could drink about 5 Shaklee 180 shakes per meal.
How do I know this is different? One Shaklee shake filled me up during the era of good feelings (towards breastfeeding).
Do n’t get e started on how frequent I have to feed. I live off of 2 hour increments, meaning: my mind processes the time in two hour increments. Who would have thought that you could be brainwashed to think of the clock that way? Luckily, it takes 1:30 to read 30-40 pages in my history textbook or do an English assignment, AKA the time in between feedings.. That’s my day. Read, nurse, eat/read, nurse, watch a tv show, watch a tv show/nurse, run to the store and try to make it home before my 1.5 hours are up…you get my drift. I’m also not the type of person who is 100% comfortable nursing in public. I am all for it, and I wrote two papers on it (in my time in between feedings) on how it is important that people don’t discourage it. It isn’t for me, though. I’m not someone who likes to be naked, not wear pants, and I have to wear a bra, SO, I’m not exactly going to [almost] expose my boobs in public.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I made the decision to breastfeed, but at the same time I can’t help but feel guilty every time I indulge on a small piece of chocolate or eat a hamburger. I think to myself, “does this make me a bad mother for eating something my body wants, but my baby can’t handle?”