I’m in surgery now, so this is to keep you occupied while I’m gone.   But I’ll be back.  Soon.  And if you think I can tell it like it is now, wait ’til I’m on pain meds…

AHEM…

Just like there are people who seem to want to be UNFOLLOWED on twitter, there are tons of you who don’t seem to want people to visit your blog.

You work so hard on it, why would you shun visitors who want to read?  Oh well, here goes, I’m only here to help.  You are welcome in advance…

  • Make sure your content column is narrow but those sidebars are filled with buttons, badges, and affiliate links down to China.  What’s wrong with a distraction or 50?   After all your blog is all about THEM, not YOU.  Especially keep the ones on there that earn you $.05 every two years.  In 20 years you will have paid for that Venti Skim Mocha you just bought.
  • Oh and those buttons?  Make sure they don’t fit into the sidebar. Please!  Make them stick way out to keep the lopsided effect.  And don’t remove them once the campaign ends.  It’s like Christmas year round!
  • Only post about once a month.  In fact take a month off.  Then whine because you don’t get the Dyson to review.  It’s about QUALITY OVER QUANTITY right?  And that post you wrote 6 months ago was a zinger!
  • Create a site that people have to wear sun glasses to view. This is a great example to emulate but (warning) before you click put on the last suit you’ll ever wear and grab MIB glasses and the flashy thing. You won’t want to remember this.  I know similar mom blogs have triggered a migraine and I’ve had to leave the site. #WIN!!!  Neon pink and glitter rainbows!!    In fact sites with the most colorful action in the header and (Squee!) psychedelic backgrounds make the best sites for making me click the X before I even get the site to load.

Which brings me to the next point:

  • Make sure your site takes at least 10 seconds to load. I have all day.  If you have decorated the sidebars with buttons to China then it’s probably not loading anytime soon.  I can pull up your site and then go take a shower, walk the dog, bake a lasagna, run the PTA meeting including Q&A and come back…and it might be ready to read by then.
  • Black background with white writing.  NO WORDS…. but if I had words, I’d tell you that it’s so hard on the eyes, in fact worse than the neon pink and sparkly rainbows.
  • Break up your posts with google ads.  LOTS of them. In fact put enough at the top, middle and bottom of the post that I have no idea where the REAL writing is.
  • Re-print those PR press releases verbatim on your site.  I love reading ignoring them the first time they hit my inbox and reading them one more time  (maybe even with HI-RES IMAGES ) …I just can’t get away fast enough.
  • Your run on sentences make me twitchy, even though it’s good content and something everyone should read, though you might just wear people out because you go on and on, but hey it’s your blog and you can write however you want, unless you want to keep people away, and then you are doing a good job, and now I need some Advil because my fingers hurt from typing which happens often.
  • Add a bunch of :) faces or :( faces if you have smilies enabled. In fact use them in every sentence :o ! I :) when I see a bunch :P blinging in my face.

Any other thoughts?  I know you have as many opinions as I do!  Next week how to tick everyone on the road off when you are driving!  I’m on a roll!!

 

16 Comments on How to keep people from reading your blog

  1. Nicole
    May 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm (7 years ago)

    If you showing me how to make something, make me guess what it is. Don’t show me the finished product until I read the whole article and scroll through 100 pictures of the process from every different angle. I especially love when I finally get to the bottom and its the stupidest thing I have ever seen and there’s no way I would ever make it. But the pictures looked so promising! If possible, then show me another hundred pictures of it with your cat.

    Reply
    • Linda
      May 1, 2011 at 11:20 pm (7 years ago)

      this made me snort. and yes you nailed it. thanks for visiting!

      Reply
  2. Lauralee Hensley
    April 19, 2011 at 3:25 pm (7 years ago)

    LOL. Hey I do want to read what you type when you’re on those pain meds. I bet your smooth and mellow. You might even find yourself doing a few of the run on sentences because you’re fingers will be floating.

    Reply
  3. Katy
    April 18, 2011 at 8:37 pm (7 years ago)

    My personal mantra is : nothing should move, nothing should sparkle, nothing should be neon.

    Hope surgery goes well.

    Reply
    • Linda
      April 18, 2011 at 8:42 pm (7 years ago)

      * hides gold scrunchie and hammer pants from Katy*

      Yes! me too!!

      Reply
  4. Mel @ Trailing After God
    April 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm (7 years ago)

    Oh and those mom blog awards. Some of them look like my 5 year old made them. Ok enough! Oh oops, I used smilies above! Eek!

    Reply
    • Linda
      April 18, 2011 at 7:17 pm (7 years ago)

      yes! and that stuff can go on a page if you like it. make your blog about you, not 50 links that take you away for no good reason

      Reply
  5. Mel @ Trailing After God
    April 18, 2011 at 7:08 pm (7 years ago)

    Play music. Not only that, make it so it’s impossible to find the stupid music play thing to turn it off! Better yet, make me go to several other pages on your blog when I write a comment just so I can hear that lovely tune start over, and over, and over again! Woohoo! I’m gone! IF I ever return, it will be by complete accident and that X will be hit asap.

    Make me jump through 3,4, 5, hey why not make it 10 different hoops just to leave a comment. Heck, if you are doing a giveaway, why not add 15 more things I have to do to enter. Be sure to add super hard captchas while you’re at it because you know, those spammers are gonna get ya!

    How about making me verify that I really truly want to be a follower on twitter. Since those 70 other followers you have tell me you are a BIG thing and need to be kept secure.

    Do not break your paragraphs up. I like a HUGE long post of jumbled text to read. Migraines? Sign me up!

    Agree on the black background. Really? Please tell me you look at your blog after you create it to see what others see. If I need a flashlight to read your content, well, never mind, my batteries are dead.

    I could go on all day :) Now please don’t pick my blog apart :) LOL

    Blessings,
    Mel
    Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God

    Reply
    • Linda
      April 18, 2011 at 7:21 pm (7 years ago)

      Ann Voskamp is the only person who’s made music work imo- i’d be sad if it werent there. and your blog is great, relevant content in sidebars, no shades required.

      Reply
      • Mel @ Trailing After God
        April 18, 2011 at 7:31 pm (7 years ago)

        LOL! Thank you, I’m glad! I actually mute Ann’s page. I just don’t enjoy being forced to listen. That’s just me, I know!

        Reply
        • Linda
          April 18, 2011 at 7:36 pm (7 years ago)

          ha! im listening to it now… i tend to let it run… maybe i need to use itunes

          Reply
  6. Tara R.
    April 18, 2011 at 6:45 pm (7 years ago)

    Not just run-on sentences, but run-on paragraphs. If the content is just one, huge lump of words, trying to decipher it is too much for me to tackle.

    Reply
    • Linda
      April 18, 2011 at 7:52 pm (7 years ago)

      amen…

      Reply
  7. By Word of Mouth Musings
    April 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm (7 years ago)

    You clearly spent a total of ten seconds on my blog, now never to be seen again :)

    Reply
    • Linda
      April 18, 2011 at 6:36 pm (7 years ago)

      your blog is great! good example of using the space appropriately…

      Reply
  8. JDaniel4's Mom
    April 18, 2011 at 7:36 am (7 years ago)

    I hope you had a great time at Mom 2.O. Great tips! I need to clean up my side bars.

    Reply

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